What's in a name?

Madmomma has written extensively about this.

I have 3 older sisters. 2 of them changed their last names after marriage. The third one and I retained our maiden names. For a while I also used my dad;s name as my middle name. In fact I changed my name just recently and removed my middle name completely (my dad's first name). So now my legal name is my first name and my maiden surname . I didn't take my husband's name. It didn't even occur to me that I should change my name after marriage. My husband never approached it either. Sometimes he teases me about it and orders me ( in a very filmy, dramatic way) to change my name because I'm a married woman etc. All this with a smile and his hands ready to counter my blows:-)

So that's how much we discuss last names in our house. And maybe because it wasn't a big deal in my house, it's hard to understand the big hue and cry over this. However, I do realize that there is an expectation that women change their names after marriage. In fact one funny incident I'd like to mention is about my husband's classmate from school who invited him on Facebook. My husband messaged her back saying who the heck are you? She was offended that he didn't recognize her picture but failed to mention that she had not only changed her last name, but also her first name after marriage.

I have two simple rules that I apply on pretty much everything in my life.

Choose your battles
The name changing issues is not limited to any one culture. It's prevalent in every culture. Even here in the States, people who've been living here for ages expect their wives to change their names after marriage. I know a lot of my American friends who were asked by their husbands to change their name. So this is across cultures. A funny example of a colleague whose ex-wife married 4 times. She changed her name (voluntarily) 4 times, changed it back to her maiden name every time she got divorced. Had 6 kids between 4 marriages. All have different names.. Now, that's an extreme case. But changing or not changing your name after marriage is and individual choice. If you feel strongly about it then fight for it. Don't complain about it later. Bear the consequences of that fight. But it will worth the fight if that's what you really want. If you're ambivalent to the idea, then compromise. The fact of the matter is we live in a patriarchal society. And women have to be smart to work around it. It will take generations to change things. Maybe when my daughters get married, no one will expect them to change their names. Some women change their names after marriage because they really want to. A woman colleague at work was shocked and a little disappointed with me when I told her I use my maiden name. She's much younger than I am and asked me if it was a norm in India.

I get invitations that say "Mr. and Mrs. C and family". That doesn't bother me . It doesn't matter what others call me. What's in a name after all. They invited me and that's an honor. At least that's how I look at it. I don't correct anyone who calls me "Mrs. C" and my husband doesn't correct anyone who calls him "Mr. Zed". I don't go around announcing to people, specially those who I know would give me a hard time about name change . I wear my maiden name quietly. I don't want to change the society. I don't want to fight with someone who will never understand my reasons for not changing my name. But I do think I will change the society through my daughters.


Keep it simple
Our kids have their father's name. That's because that's how it's been for years and years and years. And like I said, I choose my battles. I'm not sure if husband would have been offended had I given them my last name. I never asked him. He never asked me. And I don't mind the kids having their dad's name. I have my dad's name and I'm OK with it. I don't want to complicate my life and theirs by explaining to everyone why they're given my name and not their fathers. But Gudiya knows my full name as it appears in my passport and will tell anyone what it is if asked. And she's aware that it's different. But she thinks of it as a name and nothing more than that.

Bottom line, live and let live. Do what's right for you and don't show disdain for those who don't agree with you. If something bothers you too much, talk about it with your family. If your beliefs cause a lot of conflict in your lives, examine it. Decide what is important to you and spell it out clearly.

Edited to add: I do believe that official/legal forms and other documents MUST and SHOULD have the provision for someone who would like to retain their maiden names. Also forms MUST and SHOULD ask for both mother's current legal name and father's name as well as mother's maiden name. Here in the U.S the credit cards company ask everyone for their mother's maiden name as an identification which I think is awesome.